Big community funding update! How do you cope with feeling inadequate while dating with a disability? August 12, 1: Essentially, how do you cope with - or even stop - feeling like, basically, no matter how awesome you might be or how much you accomplish, you're nobody's first choice? Getting right to the point: On one hand, it does a damn good job, to the point that I forgot all my sign language a long, long time ago.
A lot of what I've been able to accomplish academically and professionally wouldn't have been possible without it, either - I owe a lot to my parents for me getting implanted as soon after losing my hearing as I did.
I've had a pretty successful and fulfilling career so far, and I'm even managing my own team right now. I Cochlear implants candidates fdating, I'm not sure if I want to set my sights that high, but it'll be nice to get the chance to at least explore those and at the same time it feels a little crazy to even have the chance to be a part of something as great as this program, in spite of my disability.
On top of that, I can use the phone although it can be hit and miss, and I really need good receptionplay the piano pretty well for a beginner, though! On the other hand, however, having the implant puts me into this weird sort of gray area: I can hear; and I'm obviously functional, although not to the extent that I probably don't come off as, for the lack of a better way to put it, somewhat different.
My speech is normal, and I can hear just about everything someone with normal hearing would hear, but listening - well, that takes work. Much more work than most people have to put in, I'm guessing - I either listen actively, really actively,
Cochlear implants candidates fdating I don't.
Not only do I have to listen harder, I have to spend a lot of brainpower on accumulating context and then using that context to piece together the bits of the conversation I didn't catch, and sometimes I have to do stuff like predicting when the other person's going to speak next and making sure I'm cued in and looking at their face when they do start speaking. I realized not too long ago that I had the habit of staring at peoples' faces Cochlear implants candidates fdating breaks in the conversation, and that may come off as a little awkward if they aren't used to it, so I'm trying to cut down on stuff like that.
So, if I'm interacting within structured environments like an interview, meeting or a presentation, where there's no background noise and the context is pretty clear, I do completely fine.
However, meeting new people can be more difficult - and background noise or being in groups of more than three other people only compounds that difficulty even further. When I first moved here, I put a lot of effort into trying to meet people and make friends through Meetup, classes, and club sports, and it was really fucking difficult, and long story short, I didn't end up making any friends.
It's not just that, but I also felt really awkward the whole time I put myself out there around strangers - the sheer effort that I have to put into compensating for my limited hearing makes it harder for me to ease up and to let my real personality to shine through.
Meeting new people feels sort of like a gamble in that I'm hoping the stars align and all the factors involved - the amount of background noise, the other person's accent and the volume and pitch of their voice, and more - work out and we can actually carry on a conversation without having to explain to them, oh, I'm deaf but, you see, I have this special hearing aid that usually works pretty dang well but it's really loud in here; and by the way, could you please speak a bit louder?
Then, and only then, I feel like I can start the getting-to-know-you process like a normal person would - it's then that I feel like I can start to follow the standard social Cochlear implants candidates fdating. The only times I feel Cochlear implants candidates fdating I can truly be myself is when I'm with my friends, who know me and my little hearing-related quirks well enough to to work around them when they come up, which gives me a chance to put my head above water for once.
Anyway, to the meat of this post: What's funny, though, is that for a very long time before I started this experiment, I agonized over whether I or my profile'd be attractive enough to actually be able to get dates - I had heard so many horror stories about men and women having that same kind of trouble, and I figured, well, what's to stop me from having the same experience? Well, it turned out that I was wrong - so very wrong - I was actually a bit overwhelmed at times by the response I got, but I ended up going out with a lot of people.
I hadn't had the chance to date before I started that experiment, so I figure I was just working
Cochlear implants candidates fdating hard at getting that out of my system. Most, if not almost all, of those dates, turned out to be duds, and I'm not sure exactly why.
All these people ended up ghosting or fading on me in various ways, which has been really disappointing and has somewhat affected my ability to trust people.
What kind of bothers me about my experience, though, is this odd sort of uncertainty - that is, not being able to say whether my experience is perfectly normal and I have nothing to worry about; or that my disability may somehow be playing a role and thus I need to find yet more ways to compensate. However, I've read so many stories right here on the Green, as well as other places, about the experiences people have had with online dating that I've concluded that it's almost a sort of a gospel that Most, If Not Almost All, Online Dates Just Don't Pan Out.
That's all well and good, but given the amount of extra overhead and bullshit that I have to deal with due to my hearing, most of my dates end up being more fraught with anxiety than what I think would be normal for someone having better hearing. That's because, for one, I have no idea if my date and I are even going to be able to do something as fundamental as being able to carry on a conversation, much less kindle some sort of chemistry.
I could be wrong about this,
Cochlear implants candidates fdating it feels like if my hearing were more normal, and thus on most of my dates I could expect to enjoy at least some pleasant conversation with someone who I wouldn't otherwise have and learn something new that I otherwise wouldn't have - that if I had better hearing, then I could maybe at least start to see the whole process as being mildly enjoyable in its own way.
But that's just not the case right now, not with the extra overhead I have to deal with, and I don't know how to get around that - doing stuff like planning more activity-based dates rather than the standard 'drinks?
It sucks feeling like I'm going to have to buy more tickets to even have a chance of winning the online dating lottery, and for reasons beyond my control. On top of that uncertainty, I also feel somewhat alienated, but I'm having a tough time putting my finger on exactly why I'm feeling that way. However, a lot of it has to do, I think, with the feeling "Cochlear implants candidates fdating" not really being in control and not being the one with more options - say, even when things move past the first date and we get to the "we're going out" phase I don't know, but I've always felt like that the off chance that if somebody actually wants to go out with me again, then I need to run with it, regardless of whether I like them that much or not, because it could be weeks or months before I get another chance.
And at some point or another during that going-out phase, I begin to feel like the other person is just, I don't know, settling for hanging out with me until someone better read: Even though I've never been turned down because of my hearing to my face, at leastit's the first conclusion my stupid monkey brain jumps to.
It doesn't stop there, either - sometimes I feel like no matter how attractive I am, how successful I become, or how hard I work at being a kind and generous person, I'll always be everyone's option - always "less than", always inadequate I think, most of all, I guess I'm just frustrated. I'm kinda tired of striving and achieving and having accomplished so much despite the bullshit I've had to deal with, and yet feeling like my social and love lives are lagging behind - and now I honestly have
Cochlear implants candidates fdating idea to go from here or what it is that I need to change to be able to square that discrepancy.
But right now I'm just thinking about the sheer amount of effort that it takes to even get past that first date, and I'm not sure what would make all of that work worth it. I could be going out on dates every night of the week, but if, based on my experience, they're almost certain to be unfun in this unique way I've described, then what's the point?
There are better ways for me to spend my time and potential, and while I'd love to get to meet someone who I could call my life partner, with whom I could settle down someday, plus maybe have kids and a dog and cat with, as it stands right now, I don't feel like the past two years of trying have really brought me any closer. I'm sitting here still without even one shred of relationship experience and still feeling like I'm falling behind everyone else my age by the minute, and wondering how the hell y'all manage to do it - if it's hard enough for abled people to find love, what kind of road do I have ahead of me?
I don't know, and that's probably the most terrifying thing of all. I mean, I'm apparently handsome, funny, tall, good company, financially secure, kind, and I'm doing something with my life -
Cochlear implants candidates fdating paper, I feel like I have everything going for me.
I feel generally happy with the direction my life is going, and I'd love to find someone to share it with - someone having common values and goals that we could work on together. I know that simply having those boxes checked off doesn't necessarily entitle me to anything, but sometimes I find myself wondering just what the hell more it is that I have to do or to become in order to get something off the ground for once. As in - do I have to magically become a billionaire underwear model with great hair who also moonlights as a brain surgeon and has twenty million followers on Instagram, and oh, which also happens to full of pictures of his incredible baked goods?
I know it sounds ridiculous, but sometimes it feels that way.
Anyway, I've been working on going through therapists to try to find someone to work through these issues with, but I really think I would benefit from seeing a social coach or something on top of that Cochlear implants candidates fdating even though I'm somewhat charismatic, and have pretty good social skills, generally, maybe there's something that I'm doing, like the staring thing mentioned above, or some other tic that people may find offputting.
In the meantime, I'd really appreciate any perspectives or insights that I haven't considered, but most of all, thanks for hearing me out. I think it's a combination of two things. As you noted, online dating dating in general, probably is hard and I think it's normal to have that "what's wrong with me, why isn't this working out no matter how hard I try" feeling no matter how great a catch you are.
Also, you mentioned that you have the "I have a cochlear implant" line in your dating profile but people don't seem to know what it means. You might consider expanding that into a few more sentences, along the lines of your second paragraph above.
Something along the lines of: This is because I'm deaf, but have a cochlear implant that helps me hear. And then you could be more sure that your disappointment is the same as Cochlear implants candidates fdating else's.
Have you got a sibling or friend that can give you feedback on how you're coming across? I'm also curious how you connect. Do you ask your dates their opinions etc or do you avoid asking questions and tend to talk more because of your implant? When I'm struggling to hear- I overtalk to compensate and to avoid uncomfortable silences. It's a terrible strategy. I am not disabled in the conventional sense but my wife is, and I think I have the perspective to say that the biggest problem your hearing loss is causing you with regard to dating is self-consciousness.
Dating always involves learning about someone else's differences, and teaching them about yours. That's why it's both scary and potentially great.
Striving to seem "normal" will keep others at arms length, and deny them the opportunity to figure out the simple, easy accommodations you have worked out with your friends. Cochlear implants candidates fdating over how hard it is, is likely to make it much harder than it needs to be. My husband has generalised anxiety, which he's medicated and in therapy for.
Dating is hard, online dating is hard, and first dates are hard and awkward. My husband is partially deaf and wears a hearing aid. I was doing the online dating thing, but we met through an friend.
I think online dating is best for learning more
Cochlear implants candidates fdating what you want. In this question you talk about fears you are not what other people Cochlear implants candidates fdating. Do you know what you want in a partner?
I didn't really have healthy relationships until I thought carefully about what I wanted. Purely anecdotal, but I'll share that I went on an OKC date with a guy with a cochlear implant once and didn't quite hit it off, and I felt bad because I was concerned he would think it didn't click due to the extra effort and awkwardness of getting the conversation dialed in.
I think it's a legit concern, in the sense that any added awkwardness in the getting-to-know-you early phase of online dating can reduce the chances of both people feeling at ease and hitting it off.
On the other hand, if you can get past that initial energy barrier and have a good conversation or two, I your fears about being "nobody's
Cochlear implants candidates fdating choice" seem a little misplaced; once someone gets to know you this just isn't going to be a big deal!
I'll also note that you're dating in one of the most challenging US cities for cishet dudes, especially if you're looking for something serious.
Anyway, to jump back to my date: But once we did, I realized that dude just reeked of dating anxiety Cochlear implants candidates fdating desperation. And I felt bad - like, I'm sure the hearing impairment does make the whole process rougher - but I also didn't want to deal with someone at that level of desperate, desperate need to connect with someone, because it's really fraught being on the receiving end of that.
I have no idea if you're giving off the same vibes, but throwing it out there for your consideration. Dating is largely a numbers game for all of us. Some of which aren't immediately apparent Some people have an easier time getting dates, that is true, but maintaining a relationship is a whole other thing.
It only takes finding one compatible person if monogamy is your thing That said, I'd be very put off by the idea of dating someone who was just going along with it because they felt they didn't have better options - are you projecting what other people are doing based on what you're doing? Oh wow, yeah, this Cochlear implants candidates fdating difficult. A certain pace to an exchange does help generate momentum and a sense of fluidity, and it's certainly possible the visible signs of your communication fatigue are being read in uncharitable ways by people who are unprepared to understand it.
Which must be everyone who doesn't experience what you do, or isn't very close to someone who does, if I can extrapolate from my experience I don't have a disability as such; I do have [old and new] MSK and other issues that intermittently affect my mobility cause pain in unpredictable ways.
So sometimes I can go to e. Sometimes I can't and know it, so I stay in. Sometimes I think I can, and it turns out I need to stop and sit most of the time, or actually leave because I just can't stand to stand anymore, and this is frustrating to those who have to slow their roll, and confusing to people who went out with me last month, when I danced for a couple of hours [and took sitting breaks, less obvious] and seemed was!
For adults, the current cutoff for cochlear implant candidacy is a HINT score of . citations with reference to bilateral cochlear implantation dating back to The model demonstrates how predictions of cochlear implant speech recognition can provide a framework to determine implant candidacy.
The x-axis. However, "Cochlear implants candidates fdating" everyone who has hearing issues is a candidate for cochlear implants.